 |
||
"I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you foward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.
If you don't foward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that she hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach. What kind of wretched person are you that you can't take five lousy minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish
I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.
Thank You.
Billy 'Smiles' Evans,
The boy with just a head.
And a burlap sack for a body."
WHAT? Hello Hello? I am now being told ladies and gentlemen that The Holy Roller Emperor Penguin has not returned, but that he has just become Billy's Burlap Belly Button Lex Lint...and that it is NOT a miracle after all!! Someone needs to tell the penguin world now! They are coming from far and near to witness this miracle! Oh SHIT! Here they come! Now I am up to my bleu neck in penguin poop! Someone help me here! GET THAT PENGUIN OFF OF MY HEAD!
We now return you to the regular programming iNi moment after these messages from our sponsers.
*most of the Image of the Burlap Boy by iNi artist Mark Fisher...the rest
was dumped in your brain by Mistie Bleu ©3/24/04
As I said Little Billy Evans has been found sitting on the floor in the middle of a time released vault in Fort Knox. Ladies and gentleman, what is amazing is on the front of his little burlap belly, an image of the Holy Roller Emperor Penguin God's face has been seen. This is more fantastic then the sightings of the Virgin Mother in Fatima! Penguins from world wide are flocking here, to the bank vault, to witness this amazing miracle, for it was reported, not long ago on this very TV station that the Holy Roller Emperor Penguin God was dead! And now as miracles will have it, he has returned. As Lint. Lex Lint!
