It is again Monday. I miss the days when the only calender I had was the one in my check book. I didn't have to believe in Mondays then. Since I now have the awesome Vincent Van Gogh calender that was my most favorite Christmas gift, Mondays are back.

And they suck. Like a brand new Hoover Vaccum cleaner. Bad.

I hate mondays.

I love things that smell good, like my Channel # Five, but on Mondays I prefer the smell of fresh hot tar on a road. With a mad skunk with all fours stuck on it. You know the smell.

I hate stepping on nails, but on Mondays I rather enjoy getting a hand full of them, and the hammer and pounding several in my bare feet.

So...once again the Vinnie Calender told me it is monday. I hate mondays. Period cramps feel good compared to how Monday feels to me. Yeah, that's right, bring on the cramp pain, hold back on the Midol. Bring on the M & M's and my tongue will indulge in a chase. Give me Swiss Chocolate...and my taste buds will enjoy the little orgasms...while I craze out on the high...but take away Mondays from my calender, please.

I hate Mondays, specially today. I awoke to my radio shouting at me, "Good Morning! It is Ground Hog's Day!"

And I learned that Puxa-Tawnie Phil came out, saw Janet Jackson on the half-time show yesterday, and crawled back into his hole for another six weeks of self pleasure.

So now we have six more weeks of winter because Janet Jackson's tit turned on Phil.

I feel old today...I am scared of aging now. With every Monday that passes. Scared this could happen to me:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

THAT could happen to me! And LOOK at this! What if THIS happened to me?

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I would start smelling OLD!

Or what about this...THIS could happen to me!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Oh GOD my Deer Journal Thursday's would be as bad as Mondays!

And WHAT about this!

An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

SOOP SEX! I will be having SOOP SEX! No....what the HELL is SOOP SEX? And look at THIS! What if I become Bessie??? Look at what happened to her!

80-year old Bessie burst into the rec room at the retirement home. She held her clenched fist in the air and announced, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

And THIS! THIS COULD BE ME!! I could end UP like this! ME!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

I could end up being BOTH of them and talking to myself!

Oh...and THIS one is just horrible!! What if I am Mildred in the making? Deer Penguin God...can you prevent me from getting old? Can you? Can you? Look! Don't let this happen to me!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous .. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

Deer Penguin God Journal...I love you...even on Mondays. You have already answered my prayer. I can't grow old. I am and always was 23 no matter what the calender tells me!

And look what I did to you last night! I tore you up and glued you back together again! You look fabulous...I WILL vote for you!